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Moving countries? Turn setbacks and homesickness into a Super Power

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:46:30 GMT

Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific theme’s that my clients face.

Even though each person is unique and so is their situation, there are definitely overlaps in how one feels when going through the different emotions that come with making the move.

Today I’d like to address what I call “Expat Pains” and how to use dealing with these pains for your personal growth.

Expat Pains

Simply said it are emotional pains caused by relocation. An accumulation of negative emotions you experience after the move. Even though the move is something positive and exciting, negative emotions are part of the adventure as well. Negative emotions being triggered simply comes with the new, international lifestyle you are now living.

You’ve moved to a foreign country with a language you don’t speak, where the laws, culture, customs and ideologies are different. You’re dealing with all kinds of challenges, such as the administrative and financial decisions that come with purchasing a car, property, health insurance, etc. etc. On top of that your support network is in another country, the place you used to call home.

Being an international living abroad, you’re emotionally more vulnerable because you’re away from the social network you used to belong to. And even though you might speak with friends and loved ones on a regular base, they don’t really know how your life looks like now. Not the deeper level of it. Which is something you might not easily share over the phone.

Temporarily less bandwidth available

Did you ever experience this: while you could effortlessly travel from point A to point B before the move, now driving from A to B takes effort? You might find yourself postpone going out, without even knowing why. How come?

Because in your former country, you had a map in your head, one that has point A and B clearly mapped out. Without having to go there, you know where all the other points of the alphabet are located as you have history in your old country: Point D is where you had your work, G is where you went to school, point K is where you had your first kiss and point M is where the accountant is. You could go to any of these places without effort, on automatic pilot, without using much of your energy.

Now in your new country, everything is new, going somewhere takes effort!

And maybe you don’t want to be challenged now, not even slightly challenged. You’ve had had enough challenges lately. Your nervous system has been stretched out for a long time and you want calm and ease. On an unconscious level you long for effortlessness, because your nervous system is in the red zone and needs calibrating.

This calibration can only happen when you start giving yourself that break. This is how it is possible that after all the necessary things are done, you just want to relax, because, besides of all the good and positive things that have happened to you, your system has also been challenged and overwhelmed for a very long time.

There is no time line on when you reach these points of staying in, or going in “hiding mode”. It can happen within 1 to 3 years after the move. Depending on your capacity to understand your emotions and to take care of yourself.

Let’s identify some more emotions that internationals might experience

General anxiety, loneliness, homesickness, relationship problems, isolation, loss of purpose, feelings of not belonging, feelings of overwhelm.

If you experience any of these emotions, I want you to know that you’re not doing anything wrong and you’re not stupid. Experiencing these feelings is normal, it’s simply part of the package that comes with your new life style of being an international living abroad.

Use your expat pains as an opportunity to grow as a person

For those of you who are keen on understanding their emotions and wanting to learn some skills how to identify and transform them, here are some self-care tips.

We’ve now established that moving countries can stir up strong emotions. Without the ability to recognize your emotions, the emotions can take you over completely. What that means is: when the emotional influx comes, it takes you over: it controls what you feel, what you think, what you say and what you do. The emotion is in charge of you.

What is an emotion?

Like a thought is an energy entity, an emotion too is an entity that is an energy form. You can’t see it, you can only see how it manifests in your behavior and your perception of the world surrounding you. In the case of the international living abroad, how you can feel isolated, not belonging, etc.

An emotion is an energy form that lives in you. Once you recognize it, awareness of the entity comes in. You can see it is not you, it is an energy form inside of you. Without awareness you can be run by your emotions.

That means overwhelm, anger, sadness, anxiety, isolation or jealousy invades your body and rises up in the mind, which means it controls your thinking.

When you feel angry and the emotion has risen into your mind, every thought you think reflects the emotion that you feel because the emotion is thinking through you. And the emotions is feeding your thoughts, so the loop happens, the vicious circle. The emotion creates thought and the thought amplifies the emotion.

In the case of anger, you get more and more angry. The more you think about it, the more angry you get. Until finally you lash out!

I’d like to introduce the term “painbody” here

What do I mean this?

The painbody is an accumulation of old emotions that still live in you as a cluster of energy, an entity. An accumulation of negative emotion that often begun building up in your early childhood. Since then it hasn’t left you, it still dwells in your body somewhere, for example in the chest or in the throat. Eckhart Tolle, spiritual teacher and author has first named this cluster of old negative, childhood pains the “painbody”.

To create awareness around this it is helpful to look at it as a little entity, a gremlin that lives in you

* Sometimes it’s dormant for periods of time. However it can’t stay dormant for ever, it hast occasionally be fed. So from time to time is rises up in to your mind an suddenly you get taken over by this old emotion.

* Sometimes it’s triggered by an event and you usually know it’s the pain-body when your reaction to the triggering event is out of proportion to the triggering event. The reaction is far greater than would be warranted by the triggering event. This usually means it has triggered old, latent emotion in you.

This is how the painbody comes to life again and takes over your mind. You are no longer you then, you are the pain(body). You can temporarily turn into a weird, awful person, who says or does the worst things to loved ones or even strangers.

Moving country may awaken your painbody and you can suddenly find yourself into a lot of drama. Just because you can’t get your postbox placed, Covid has forced you to lockdown, or your parcel can’t be traced and is lost.

Pain needs more pain

I shared earlier that the painbody wants to be fed; this is why it craves negative thinking. Thought is energy, it feeds the emotion and the emotion gets even stronger and you’re back in the loop, which makes you more and more unhappy.

What happens when you start complaining to others, share your pain over and over again, you are actually feeding the painbody. What you give your attention to grows.

To take it a step further, some people can be addicted to unhappiness. Negative thinking can become addictive. Why? The negative emotion wants more of itself. It wants to be fed by the thinking that reflects the same vibrational energy frequency. Every negative thought feeds a negative emotion. A positive thought cannot feed a negative emotion, they are simply not in sync.

That is why it loves to hang out with other negative people, to complain together. When there is no awareness about the existence of the painbody, these people don’t see it as complaining, but as stating facts.

This I how the pain body operates

The emotion wants to speak through you and looks for something negative to say, just to feed the loop. It‘s crazy, but it’s all unconscious behavior. And for many people considered as normal. The unobserved mind gets taking over by toxic thoughts, by old, childhood emotions that are triggered and are now awakened.

Through lack of awareness you are at the mercy of your emotion fields.

The moment awareness comes in the emotion may still be there, but you are not totally possessed by it. And that is an enormous step forward!

Recognise that there is a very strong energy in you and be the observer of your thoughts and emotions.

Take a deep breath into the abdomen, and take a few more. Your attention will follow the breath and leave the body.

The only place where there is freedom from the emotions of the past, is being in the present moment. The moment you become aware is the time to observe your inner state and step out of the loop.

Freedom arises and you can see the outer circumstances for what they are, without being pulled back into the painbody.

Keep on breathing gently and generously and start connecting to your body, feeling the aliveness in your hands, in your feet and in your chest.

The emotion may still be there for a while, but you’re not consumed by it anymore. When feeling into the body, the emotion cannot renew itself and you free yourself from it.

This might be a good moment to go out in nature and release the last reminders of the emotion, including whatever it was that triggered it.

This is how you can turn your expat challenges into a personal victory

and create emotional balance

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

contact@riavandoorncoach.nl

Three Self Care tips that are easy to apply

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:37:53 GMT

Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific theme’s that my clients face.

Even though each person is unique and so is their situation, there are definitely overlaps in how one feels when going through the different emotions that come with making the move.

Today I’d like to give some Self Care Tips that are easy to apply.

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‘Women On The Edge’ are here to stay

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:31:59 GMT

There are many reasons to move abroad. As a life coach, I’ve noticed that amongst the group of newcomers are many women who didn’t move to retire, or for economic reasons, or for the climate. They simply moved because they felt a calling to do so! This group is ready for something exciting and new in their life.

What is typical of this group is that it doesn’t mean they have it all figured out. Yes, in general they do know what they want and how their new life should look like, but, at the same time, there are a lot of things they don’t know yet and they are curious and openminded about how things will land on their feet.

Maybe they are moving countries to attract love in their life, find a more balanced and healthier way to live, start a business or transform their passion into a meaningful contribution to the world. Whatever the reason, these women are willing to step into the unknown because they want to experience something purposeful and new.

Because of all these typical aspects, I’d like to refer to this group as ‘Women On The Edge’.

Obviously, their journey is not always sunshine and rainbows. From time to time, it is challenging, confronting and, most of all, lonely. These ‘Women On The Edge’ have left their safety net behind and haven’t built up a new one yet.

On top of that, they are dealing with a culture and language they are not familiar with.

Also, their friends at home don’t necessarily understand what they are going through, not on a deeper level.

Women who want to evolve!

As I speak with them in our Online Coffee & Conversation sessions or in person in my coaching sessions, I do get why they choose this journey though. They want to evolve! Moving abroad helps them to step out of “the old” so they can create “the new”, which includes and points to realising and manifesting the things they dream about.

‘Women On The Edge’ want to start something exciting and new, something that is a genuine contribution to the world and will help them live a purposeful life.

Hold a vision that is bigger than your fears

A big part of my work has to do with helping international women (and men) prepare themselves for the move and making sure they feel welcome, safe and supported throughout this exciting new chapter in their life from the moment they arrive. I also know that in order to feel good in their skin, women need other women to share, listen, witness and co-create.

With my Power Circles, I guide this specific group to feel empowered from within, safe within themselves and in the world, free in all aspects of their individuality, including taking up space and holding a vision for themselves that is bigger than their fears.

I’ve started this group because I wish for all women to be able to tap into their own innate power, be courageous and feel supported in showing up for themselves, while crafting their new life.

What is a Power Circle?

A Power Circle is a support network that consists of a group of like-minded women. Its function is to plug us back in and remind us to recharge and renew. Its environment is non-judgemental: women are listened to and can share their dreams, everyday encounters, challenges and victories; It is secure, yet open, for goal setting, sounding board questions and unlocking our full potential, whether it be on a personal or business level.

Joining a Power Circle is relevant whether you’re preparing your move or have already moved, as it can help you to feel powerful and courageous to generate the changes you want to see in your life.

Women who join Power Circles are self-aware and successful. They come from diverse age groups and backgrounds. Some women are starting or growing businesses, some are redefining their roles and impact, some are dreaming and developing new possibilities for us all.

If you want to get a sense of what empowerment is and are curious about what it can do for you, I’m happy to share these ‘7 Steps to Feel Empowered’. Use them to journal, share with a friend and, most of all, to bring into practice!

7 Ways to Feel Empowered

Follow your impulse

Don’t overthink the one thing that keeps coming up for you; your intuition is giving you a hint to follow up on.

Take bold action

Jump! Leap! Get out of your comfort zone! Seize the day and figure it out as you go. The next step will appear when it’s time.

Don’t wait for permission

No need to wait for “the other person” to grant you permission. Give yourself permission. Be your own leader.

Do things anyway

You can do this! Even if you have never done this before; just step into the unknown and trust you will land safely.

Allow yourself to be imperfect

Don’t be hard on yourself, life is much more fun when the bar is lowered. Besides, you’re already perfect with everything you do, think and feel.

Let go of control

Go with the flow! Why not allow this to unfold itself and let some good things in; things you couldn’t even image were possible for you!

Refire instead of Retire

Keep your mind open to discover the infinite possibilities that are waiting out there for you. Doing so makes it possible to become the best version of yourself, living the life you wished for yourself. All of this will happen in a very natural and grounded way.

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

contact@riavandoorncoach.nl

Remedies for sleepless nights

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:25:34 GMT

Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific themes that my clients face.

Even though each person is unique and so is their situation, there are definitely overlaps in how one feels when going through the different emotions that come with living abroad.

Today, I’d like to address how to handle sleepless nights and how to find a remedy that works for you.

The pandemic is definitely one of the biggest events that is currently causing sleepless nights. It has simply impacted everyone on the whole planet on a deep, existential level and we’re now collectively dealing with the after-effects of this. Long periods of fear for our health and our loved ones have taken away the foundation from under our feet and we are collectively suffering from loss of control over our lives.

Internationals living abroad are emotionally more vulnerable for many reasons, one of the biggest being the current travel restrictions which are preventing us from connecting with our loved ones the way we want and need.

Tossing and turning

Going back to the topic of this column, if you’re also suffering from sleepless nights, read on. Falling asleep might be easy, but then comes that time in the middle of the night where you find yourself fully awake and amped up.

Stress and worry rapidly take over us. When you look at your alarm clock to see the time, another layer of stress is added because now thoughts of resistance to being awake are added: “I should be sleeping now!”

While the day-time topics that are keeping you awake are not heavy or life-altering, at night they feel important and urgent, causing you anxiety.

You are a package deal

In order to find a remedy for your sleepless nights, you must consider the full picture. The world is changing rapidly, and you are impacted big time. I hope by now you understand that waking up in the night is not totally your fault. As an individual, you’re just part of the whole, going through a lot of stuff. And herein lies the solution for you.

If you find yourself looking at your alarm clock and the extra level of stress wants to creep in, stop yourself there and simply accept the fact that you’re not sleeping. Take a breath and know that sooner or later you will fall asleep again. At night, you surrender to what is - sleep or no sleep - and in the daytime, you can prepare yourself for the night and look at the things you can work on.

Simple remedies that can help you release stress

Have a look at any of the following areas that might need your attention, so that you can approach the night stress in a holistic way. As you read the following, try to relate to your life and the areas that you feel strongly about and the areas that could use your attention.

The relationship we have with ourselves

May we always act out of self-love and self-respect, being aware of our boundaries and listening to our own needs. Spending time daily on this relationship and reinforcing our ingrained sense of self-value strengthens our heart to feel love, compassion and trust.

Clean your mind of unhealthy, negative or even just excessive thoughts. Practice mindfulness, meditation or seek support when it gets too much.

Nurture your body as if your life depends on it

Which it does! Eat the right foods, do the exercises you really enjoy and be kind to your body. This is the right time for long nature walks or a relaxing massage.

Who you spend time with is who you become

If you are surrounding yourself with people that are suffering from stress or do a lot of complaining, realise that it’s hard to not pick up their energy and have it amplify your own latent stress.

Protect yourself and create emotional space by changing topic or find other creative ways to keep your emotional energy clean.

Environments

Cleansing, beautifying or changing our physical environments so they support who we are, what we do and what we want for ourselves instead of depriving us of energy. For example, creating a space for creativity or meditation. A bit of Feng Shui makes all the difference: cleaning out old cupboards, adding house plants to cleanse the air, etc.

In this light, I would like to want to mention the workshop we are organising for beautifying your house. Visit our website below and scroll to the workshop “Turn your house into a home” on the events page.

Looking at the bigger picture

The main question is: what can you do for yourself in a pro-active way, instead of being overtaken most nights by lack of sleep? What is the message that is being sent to you in the middle of the night? And how can you help yourself?

We can think of ourselves as heroes in our own journeys. What is our character and what is the moral of the story? Like every good story, there is a struggle, a downturn and, in the end, a triumph or a tragedy. We are writing our stories, so let’s make sure they go in the right direction.

Being curious to find out how you can provide yourself with the solution is something you can do.

Important to know is that you are not alone! Taking care of your health is a powerful thing. Look at it as a new skill to learn.

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad

Finding your tribe: making connections as an expat

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:21:41 GMT

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one” - Jane Howard

If you’re planning on moving countries or have already arrived, finding a community who you feel at home with and who get you is one of the greatest achievements. During the many Coffee & Conversation events that I organise, I meet many courageous individuals and couples who decided to pack up their bags and start a whole new life abroad.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that, when they made the decision, they didn’t quite see the many challenges that they would face, and maybe that was for the best.

Moving to a new country, where you don’t speak the language, don’t know the culture, habits or your way around, is a huge step. Newcomers are getting out of their comfort zone big time! It’s a very courageous step to leave your existing life behind and start all over again, especially when you’re older and set in your ways.

I sometimes believe that expats subconsciously do this as a (last) attempt to give themselves the gift of feeling alive. Because that is what one feels when ‘starting over again’. This new country, where everything is new and where you haven’t built up a safety net yet, requires you to be alert and fully awake so that you can organise yourself.

When I asked one of the newcomers why she made the move, she said: “I am here to refire myself, instead of retire!”

Over 65s are particularly motivated to give their life a big reset and are looking to find new meaningful and fulfilling ways to move forward and make the best of their lives ahead.

As social beings, we are all looking for a tribe, “our people”, a place where we feel we belong, so that we can live our new life, being seen and witnessed. This way, our anxiety will ease, and our nervous system can relax as we have been working overtime to settle.

That is why, as a life coach, I always advise newcomers to make connections before and immediately after arrival, especially when coming from another continent. Reaching out to others can make your experiences much more fun and fruitful.

Here are a few tips to help you feel part of the community:

Expat groups

Do an online search for expat groups in the region where you live or will be visiting, such as our own Expat Centre Portugal. Stay informed about activities by signing up to groups’ newsletters or social media pages. Participate in their programmes, whether they are in-person or online. This is how you may find others who share your interests, which in turn can lead to budding friendships.

Reach out to people in your field

Whatever your profession, passion or hobby, there are always likeminded others. Find them by reaching out to people who are in the same or similar fields. This is how you find people with whom you share common ground. Use the same technique by asking anyone you meet if they know people to whom they can refer you. It’s a small world, and it may be easier to connect than you think!

Common interests

Brainstorm a list of your interests and do an online search for activities that match them, then mark your calendar and go. Dances, cooking classes, playing golf, hikes in nature, or photography workshops are a few suggestions.

Everyday connections

Talk with everyone! The person at the café, the fruit and vegetable vendor or someone waiting at the bus stop. Be curious – ask them a general question, or share something about yourself, such as how much you like a particular type of coffee or fruit, or make a comment about the weather, depending on the situation. See what unfolds from there.

Meet-up groups

Check out MeetUp.com for events that may be happening in your region. It’s a great way to participate in programmes you might not have otherwise known about. It’s usually free to join and can lead to local and international friendships.

Tours

Tours allow for meeting new people while learning something new. For instance, sign up to a half-day wine tour or a walking tour. Tours provide opportunities for connection, whether local, regional or international. Check out options in your community, such as hiking, dog walking and bike tours.

Learn the language

To gain a more heightened sense of belonging, it is essential to develop some basics in the Portuguese language. In fact, language is a huge aspect of the culture and could help you meet new people. Joining a language course is a fun and practical way to focus on communicating in the language you need. Check our site to find out more.

Recovery groups

There are thousands of international 12-Step groups and there may be one in or close to your area. Check the websites for in-person or online meetings for groups that you belong to or their sister programmes. It’s a wonderful way to get support, particularly during the first years of your arrival.

Tourist information centres

Check out tourist information centres for local events and other activities. Read all the newspapers you can and search on your local council’s website. Or simply Google “local events”, “local things to do”.

Volunteer

Research organisations that are active in your community to discuss their needs and see how you can help them. Volunteering on a regular basis provides a framework for potential friendship, which can lead to activities outside of the organisation.

Carve your own path

Have an interest or a passion but can’t find a local group? Consider starting one of your own! MeetUp.com, Facebook, and other platforms can get you started and help you build community.

If restrictions are in place, for instance, due to Covid, search for online groups where you can participate and feel part of a community.

What about a tribe for introverts?

The definition of an introvert is someone who prefers calm, minimally stimulating environments. Introverts tend to feel drained after socialising and regain their energy by spending time alone.

Does this mean they are lonely with no friends and never leave the house? Absolutely not! They are often very happy in their own skin and just don’t need a bunch of people around them and can have a perfectly nice time on their own.

Many successful people are introverts, yet they have a supportive crowd around them too. When building a tribe, it’s good to keep in mind that everywhere around you are introverts, and they could be expats just like you.

Whether you find others hang out at the airport, the gym, the park, or in co-working spaces, you will have similar needs for solitude, comfortable silences or minimal social activities.

Regardless of your personality type, seek out the tribe that feels best to you, and reach out to them whenever you feel the need, not when you feel “you should”. Be yourself and you will attract people that are right for you.

“Community happens when you make connections based on a sense of place and purpose”

- John Addison

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

contact@riavandoorncoach.nl

A "New You" wants to emerge

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 19:11:50 GMT

Last week I spoke with Melany and Bill, a retired American couple who had been preparing their move for over a year. They started the procedures to become residents, sold their house and said farewell to their friends and loved ones.

They joined our Online Coffee & Conversation and webinars to share experiences and ask their questions, and used the Covid time to learn the language. When all of that was done, they were ready to come over.

While we were having a small party online because they had landed, Melany shared with me that they only brought two suitcases each! Can you imagine? They got rid of 99.9% of the stuff they possessed and managed to put their remaining belongings into two suitcases. And it included a potato peeler! “Yeah, because we like that one,” Melany said.

Melany also gave most of her jewellery away and said to me: “This way, when I see my friends, I can also see my jewellery and then I think: Oh, that suits them well.”

One of my clients – let’s call her Veronique – shared with me that she decided to come over because she wanted to swim in the Atlantic Ocean every day. Wanting to live close by the ocean was the reason for her to make the move. Veronique simply quit her job in Australia to come over and swim in the Atlantic Ocean. Makes sense, right?

For me as a life coach, it is so interesting to hear these stories and I can’t help but ask people about their “Bigger Why”. Why did you want to make the move? What do you hope it will bring you? What do you desire on a deeper level that makes it worthwhile to go through all this effort, cut the cords with your past and take the leap?

Bigger Why

I ask this because I know there is always a “Bigger Why”.

Some people want to step out of the rat race, some want to rest and recalibrate. Some realise that life is really short, and they want to enjoy it more and make the most of it. There are many reasons why people want to start all over again and, in this case, move to a new country or continent.

Or should I say: people tell themselves different stories about the “Why”; sometimes without even knowing what their “Bigger Why” is. For those of you who have made the move, did you ever ask yourself this question? – “What is the real reason, the ‘Bigger Why’ for me?

In the case of Veronique, I know – she finally wants to settle and find love. Melany and Bill want to “get rid of luggage” and enjoy life to the fullest.

For myself, the answer came over the years

The story I told myself was that I was following the man I love. Which sounds very plausible, right? But after a few years, I found out that the real pull that had made me come over had to do with a deep desire to heal and become healthy again.

Something I didn’t know before; the whole thought of being capable of healing myself seemed so much out of my reach. And at last, now, it totally makes sense.

What is your “Why”?

Next time, when you share your story about why you want(ed) to make the move, pay attention to your feelings. What is it that you feel when you talk about it? What are the images you see in your mind’s eye? What do you see yourself doing? How are you walking? How do you hold yourself? Do you notice any images that arise of your “future self”, you in the future in your new country? It might start as a whisper ... What is that change you are seeking?

Why do we make the move?

I think because a “New You” wants to emerge, that is why. It doesn’t really matter what the story is you tell yourself or others. The “New You” wants to actualise and the only thing you need to do is to give it space!

Ria van Doorn is a Life Coach for internationals living abroad

contact@riavandoorn@coach.nl

There is Another Way

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 18:59:12 GMT

There is a line in one of Shakespeares’ plays that says: “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.

Over the last two years, we were all challenged on many levels, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. The pandemic, and the after effect, has turned our lives upside down and nothing seems the same anymore.

If you look at all of this from a different angle, you can notice that a challenging situation such as this, can invite you to learn a very important lesson; it is to become aware of the difference between the situation that you find yourself in and what your mind says about the situation. This is particularly visible when you are in a challenging situation.

That is why some people who are in the same situation, can experience it in a totally different way.

Even though most restrictions of the pandemic have been lifted and we are all still adapting to live with it, one of the side effects from this whole “rollercoaster” is that we experienced a much higher level of stressful emotions, such as fear; fear for dying, fear for losing loved ones, fear of losing income, fear for your life as you now it, falling apart. Basically, the fear to survive has been ruling - and might still be ruling - our lives for an extended time.

Wake up Call

Most of us may have been confined to a small space, have been experiencing lack of physical freedom and social interactions with loved ones, hobbies or work and now is the time to learn about the emotional and mental impact it has had on us.

Can you agree with me that all of these things that we have been experiencing would conventionally been called “bad”. As at a certain level they are not pleasant. So, what does it mean when we say: “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.

The spiritual lesson here is being able to differentiate between a situation that you are experiencing and the story you tell yourself about this situation.

The story is the mental commentary you have about the situation that you are experiencing, the thoughts that you have about this situation.

For most people there is no gap between whatever they experience. This and the mental comments on the experiences, are a singular phenomenal, they cannot be separated. These two aspects merge together as one experience.

Let’s say you are cooped up in a small space for months and cannot take it anymore, the self -talk you have is telling you how awful, depressing and unacceptable this situation is. Self-talk may generate self-pity, anger, sadness, resentment or fear. Actually, a lot of self-talk is about how bad it is now, how unfair this situation is and how scary the future might be.

Did you know that 99,99% of self-talk is actually negative? When the mind is saying that it will get worse, basically you already belief this. Even though technically speaking, the fear is about the future and the future does not exist yet. The effect of this kind of self-talk is that you add fear or anxiety to your present moment, to the situation you are in right now.

Break the pattern, find a new way

To break the pattern of unconscious commenting and find some space to look at a situation from a place of awareness, I suggest experimenting a bit. Tap into situations that make you uncomfortable, situations where you feel you are suffering and you can’t take it anymore. It can be a situation from the past or any situation that you currently find yourself in.

Listen to the mental commentary about this situation

Without judging, truly take time to listen to whatever self-talk is going on within you.

Some examples are: I’m not happy, I can’t take it anymore, there is no way out, everyone has to shut up, and so on.

When listening to your self-talk it’s important to not judge, but to simply hold the space to become aware of it. Listen to all the concerns you have about self, others, the world, the past or the future. You may find that in many occasions, this added interpretation is negative and not helping you. Isn’t that interesting?

Experiment!

As an experiment I would suggest you ask yourself: how would I experience this situation if I would not add any comments?

How would I experience this moment if I would not add any unnecessary thoughts to it?

How would this situation that I find myself in be, without the interpretation of the mind?

Am I experiencing the situation through the narrative of my mind?

How would I experience this situation without the addition of thought?

How would I experience this moment if I refrained from labeling it, calling it good or bad?

All of the questions above do not necessarily have to be answered. It is their purpose to direct your attention to the present moment.

What are you left with without a narrative about the situation?

Maybe it’s something like this: I’m sitting on the terrace, watching the light shining through the trees, listening to the noises, I hear a dog bark, I feel the warmth of the sun on my body. I can feel my hands, my feet, the aliveness in my body.

When you drop the narrative

Now that you have now dropped the narrative, all you’re left with is the bare “issness” of this moment. You may suddenly feel a kind of weight lifting of your shoulders, a weight that you have been carrying for a while now, without realising it. It is a weight of unconscious thinking, the mind creating unhappy narratives.

And finally, now your body can stop reflecting those unhappy narratives, that were expressed in pains in your body or the experiencing of heavy emotions.

This is the Other Way

It is the way of awareness and presence. To be able to separate the narrative from the situation. And if possible, let go of the narrative and just be present with this moment as it is.

Your entire life can now unfold from this new, bare present moment, instead of from the negative narrative you had added.

There is an enormous power hiding in the now, which means hiding in you. The deep sense of aliveness and “beingness”, allows an attitude of acceptance to arise in you. Acceptance of whatever it is that life is currently offering you.

Sometimes you need to be challenged by life to find it

This is what is happening now by all of us, both individual and collectively. We need to wake up out of unconscious thinking, out of complete identification with the thinking mind, which is conditioned by the past.

And we need to realise that there is in us another dimension of consciousness that has always been there, but habitually overlooked.

And that is awareness, which is consciousness without thought.

“Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

Four best tips for a smooth start and joyful life in Portugal

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 18:53:05 GMT

Moving abroad is exciting and fun, but it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.

Pre-movers and people who have recently moved, listen up! In this article, you’ll receive insights and tips for a smooth start and joyful life in Portugal.

There are many reasons people make the move to a foreign country. Whether they choose to stay full-time or part-time, they are motivated to pack things up and make a new start.

Having worked with internationals living abroad for over two decades, I’ve seen people make the move because they want to have a new experience, break with the old or – not so common but still valid - they feel a pull.

Other reasons are: they want to step out of something, leave something behind, or don’t feel at home in their current country anymore. They move because it seems to be an ideal place for retirement, they go because of work, love, or economic reasons. Often because of the climate, and there are also those who moved by coincidence because they were visiting and decided to stay.

What happens in the years after you’ve arrived?

How does it progress? This new start is also a pathway to discover many new beginnings.

Breaking with the old and starting anew is a huge opportunity to reset and rediscover yourself. Simply because you will be challenged! You will be pulled out of your comfort zone big time. Not only because you have to make all kinds of new decisions about many different topics on a daily basis, you also lack your warm network of friends and family around you to support you.

Even though many people enjoy the move and are having a good time, there is also a lot of people who find themselves struggling with the many unexpected factors they face. These are things they couldn’t predict would happen to them because they’re part of the big unknown. At the end, they only know when they know!

In this article, you’ll receive tips and insights for your journey abroad. I’m sharing them with you, so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Go ahead, take what you need.

Have you ever heard of Expat Pains?

These are emotional pains caused by relocation. You can recognise that you’re suffering from them when you're experiencing any of the following:

o Struggling to figure out how to live a purposeful life

o Finding it hard adjusting to the new culture

o Coping with anxiety, relationship problems, bad health, homesickness, loss of direction

o Finding it hard to overcome setbacks.

o Experiencing feelings of homesickness, loneliness, or isolation for long periods of time.

Everything in your new life is different! You’re not the same person you used to be, you’ve been stretched out of your comfort zone. Also, you have to reinvent yourself and your relationships.

How to avoid overwhelm, isolation or loneliness?

Once you realise that Expat Pains are part of your chosen lifestyle, it’s possible to take care of yourself in a new and different way.

Here are my four best tips for a joyful life abroad

v Build community

Search online, join a club, ask around. There are many people who are looking to build a meaningful circle of friends. Try it out! Take your time and, sooner or later, you’ll find your new ‘go-to person’ right there. It might be scary, it might fail, but it’s the way to go.

The first person you meet might not necessarily become your forever friend. They might simply be a stepping stone, someone to drink a coffee with. Just like you might become a stepping stone yourself for someone else in the future. But that is a risk you need to take.

Going out to meet new people challenges you to reach out instead of withdrawing yourself. This is the positive side: you’re learning to surround yourself with your kind of people.

v Build new traditions

Plan your week with activities and have them repeat on the same day the following weeks. This repetition will give structure and you’re building new automatic pilot pathways in your brain that help put your nervous system at ease.

On Sunday, you always have a call with the home front and go out for lunch. Mondays are for shopping, Tuesdays you go on a trip to discover a new part of Portugal. Wednesdays are for visiting the Expat Centre Portugal coffee mornings. Thursdays you meet with new friends. Fridays you do a long nature walk and Saturdays you visit the farmers’ market.

Whatever structure you create, keep it up for several months and slowly you’ll find you’ve created a nice structure of traditions that function as a backbone for you to feel good in your skin.

v Stay connected

In the beginning, you’ll frequently have calls with friends and family because everything is exciting and new, but, overtime, you might start skipping calls and become sloppy keeping up the connection.

The big pitfall with this is that you actually create a distance, a gap that is harder to fill the longer it lasts.

The power of connection on a frequent basis is that you stay in the subtle communication area where people can sense when something is wrong.

And also where people feel invited to share their ups and downs. This kind of communication gets lost when you’re less in touch. You might ask yourself what kind of bond you would want to keep up with the home front over the years.

v Find your new purpose

In this new chapter of your life, it’s exciting to find something purposeful to do, whether it is focussing on joy in general, or discovering what it is that you long to experience, create, manifest or contribute in life.

Maybe you want to experience more creativity, vitality, love, belonging, impact or fulfilment in your life. Life is happening now!

This is a great opportunity to focus your attention on what matters most to you.

Why not use this time to figure out whatever it is that is worthwhile getting out of bed for in the morning?

Build the foundation for your life abroad

Allow me to tell you about the online Power Circles course that I facilitate.

This course is designed for newcomers or women who have recently arrived. In this new chapter of reinventing themselves, women need the tools and support to navigate their way forward.

Every year I’m opening my doors to help international women in my community applying the Four Best Tips in their daily life, following a course that will help making the tips easy to apply.

In this practical and informative online course, women learn how to attract the resources, connections and opportunities they need, to be well prepared for their move abroad, as well as for the first years where they build the foundation for their life abroad.

If you need support in figuring out how to become a thriving woman living abroad, and you like to connect with likeminded souls, this might be for you.

Crafting your new life, building up a network or working on your personal goals is much more fun and efficient when you have inspiring women cheering you on!

I’m hosting the online Power Circles course regularly, because I wish for all women to be able to tap into their own innate power, to be courageous and feel supported in creating their new life abroad.

Send an email if you are curious and want to know more. Also, to learn about the upcoming starting date.

Let your move be smooth and joyful. There is truly no need to be overwhelmed by any of the expat pains!

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

contact@riavandoorncoach.nl

The five different stages new comers go through when moving country

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 18:17:09 GMT

Are you an international living abroad?

A new country often brings about new challenges; learning a new language, adapting to a new culture and finding your way while having your safety net in another country can be challenging.

Some newcomers see this adventure as a joyful challenge and manage to go effortlessly through the learning curves of building a new life in their new country.

The following factors may play a role in this smooth transition:

- The person is already familiar with the culture or language due to previous visits.

- They have gathered information in an earlier stage and have a clear vision where they want to settle and what needs to be done.

- They get help from friends or family who already made the move, which might include landing in an already established support network of likeminded people.

Other newcomers who do not have a good functioning network may experience stress because of the many setbacks and hurdles they are facing. They didn’t anticipate that their move could be so challenging.

They are aware that they need support in many different areas but are not sure where to find the right kind of help. On top of that, the culture and language gap can make things worse.

Working as a life coach for internationals living abroad, I recognise five different stages that internationals can go through when moving countries.

I’d like to give some insight and practical tips on how to navigate your way forward. I hope it helps you to understand that whatever emotional rollercoaster you might find yourself in, you’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just part of the process.

Moving countries or continents is a huge step that often comes with many strong emotions. Anyone who takes the big step of moving abroad and immerses themselves in a new culture goes through this, whether stumbling or dancing their way forward.

The five different stages of moving country

Depending on your situation, you will go through the different phases with either little or a lot of ease. Also, there is no set timeline for any of the phases.

First stage: Honeymoon - I love it here!

You’re fully enjoying living here and having all the perks at your fingertips: a warm climate, gorgeous beaches, clean air, space, low crime rate, affordable living and unlimited possibilities to go out for wining and dining, or to play golf.

Second stage: Shock: What did I do?

You find yourself being taken out of your comfort zone big time as everything seems more difficult than you had expected. Living here turns out to be much different than when visiting.

Dealing with utility providers or administrative tasks, for example, can be quite challenging. It is these little things that you have to deal with, and it tires you out. Your excitement is slowly changing into feelings of shock.

In the meanwhile, you start to miss the people that are close to you in your home country. Maybe you also miss some routines you enjoyed in your previous life.

Third stage: Adjustment - willingness to find a way

You have some more experience now and know better how to deal with, for example, service providers such as technicians, electricians, gardeners or builders.

By now you have figured out how the banking machine works, where to buy your groceries and where you can find likeminded people. You have even built up some friendships.

Fourth stage: Acceptance - I can figure this out

You have learned many new things, you have found a way to deal with the challenges you face and you’re actually feeling empowered. When it comes to new challenges, you might approach them differently and accept them as being “part of the charm”.

Fifth stage: Commitment: I choose this!

Maybe you’ve learned to speak the language, you’re part of your own little community, and have built a network of likeminded people. You’ve also found a way to stay in touch with your friends and loved ones living abroad. You’ve established a safety net in both countries. Basically, you feel well with the life choices you’ve made.

Going through these stages, however, is not necessarily a linear path, but knowing about their existence gives you some understanding about the feelings you might have in the process.

The effects of the current pandemic are obviously not included here. The pandemic is a force in itself and touches everyone worldwide, not just internationals living abroad. However, this specific group is vulnerable in its own way as they rely on being able to travel to be with family and loved ones and having the freedom to explore and visit places.

This can reinforce feelings of loneliness. For those of you who can relate to this, I want you to know that you’re not alone! Feel free to reach out to me for a complimentary coaching session and to hear how I may be able to help you further.

Ria van Doorn is a life coach for internationals living abroad and founder of the Expat Centre Portugal.

contact@riavandoorncoach.nl

Fall in love with the simple things in life

riavandoorn@mac.com (Ria van Doorn) — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 18:06:50 GMT

Portugal is an attractive country for virtually everyone. From students, retirees, families, to couples or singles, anyone can start a new life in this friendly, southern part of Europe.

What are the biggest benefits of living here? There are so many, but let’s start with the weather. The Mediterranean climate is one of the main reasons why citizens from northern Europe choose to move to Portugal. When compared to the rainy UK weather, for example, Portugal offers sunshine almost all year round. If you love a temperate climate, you are going to enjoy hot summers, warm springs and not-so-cold winters in Portugal.

Another huge benefit is learning to enjoy the slow-paced life.

Probably because of the climate, people do like to take it slowly. In Portugal, there is no such thing as a “quick lunch”. You don’t plan one thousand things in a day or rush in traffic to go from point A to B. Such a life is too much hassle and tires you out!

The way to go is to enjoy a Mediterranean-style lunch, slowly savouring different courses, eating freshly caught fish, locally produced vegetables, and washing it all down with some good wine. Depending on your schedule for the day, maybe a well-deserved “sesta” (“siesta” is in Spanish!) would do no harm!

Living in Portugal is an invitation to learn to relax again, just like when you were younger and carefree. You learn to create breathing space around you.

A lot of people from northern Europe grow used to experiencing tension and stress on a daily basis, so much so that they don’t even remember how it feels to be stress-free, relaxed, to breathe and to take it slowly. The slower-paced culture of Portugal helps you to feel all this again.

Trust me, living in Portugal can have this effect on you!

The simple things in life

Other benefits of living in Portugal are having access to the simple things in life and, as they say, these are the best and are cheap! I’m talking about things like a trip to the seaside, a hike in the countryside, a swim in the ocean, a nice glass of wine or a cold beer on a hot day. These are simple, cheap and probably some of the reasons why people fall in love with life again.

Another huge factor to happiness in Portugal is the outdoors. There is still so much countryside and nature all around, and an abundance of clean, natural water and fresh air. You will find many places where you can experience real silence - no traffic, no neighbours, only the soothing sounds of nature. At night, with no light pollution, you can actually look up and see a dark, clear sky, dotted with sparkling stars or a stunning full moon.

As Portugal is still not a consumer culture, it will help you to escape the self-made rat race you may be finding yourself in. People take life as it is and focus on enjoying the good, simple things, which could be harvesting their oranges and grapes, planting new trees, making jam, going to the beach or having long lunches with family and friends.

Living a simple and satisfied life is deeply calming and probably one of the key factors that make Portugal such a joyful place to be.

Ria van Doorn is a life coach and founder of The Expat Centre Portugal. She aims to help international people in the Algarve build connections and friendships through social meetups and events.

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Moving countries? Turn setbacks and homesickness into a Super Power

Three Self Care tips that are easy to apply

Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific theme’s that my clients face.

Even though each person is unique and so is their situation, there are definitely overlaps in how one feels when going through the different emotions that come with making the move.

﻿

Today I’d like to give some Self Care Tips that are easy to apply.

‘Women On The Edge’ are here to stay

Remedies for sleepless nights

﻿ Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific themes that my clients face.

Even though each person is unique and so is their situation, there are definitely overlaps in how one feels when going through the different emotions that come with living abroad.

Finding your tribe: making connections as an expat

﻿ “Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one” - Jane Howard

A "New You" wants to emerge

Last week I spoke with Melany and Bill, a retired American couple who had been preparing their move for over a year. They started the procedures to become residents, sold their house and said farewell to their friends and loved ones.

﻿ They joined our Online Coffee & Conversation and webinars to share experiences and ask their questions, and used the Covid time to learn the language. When all of that was done, they were ready to come over.

There is Another Way

Four best tips for a smooth start and joyful life in Portugal

Moving abroad is exciting and fun, but it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.

Pre-movers and people who have recently moved, listen up! In this article, you’ll receive insights and tips for a smooth start and joyful life in Portugal.

The five different stages new comers go through when moving country

Are you an international living abroad?

Fall in love with the simple things in life

Portugal is an attractive country for virtually everyone. From students, retirees, families, to couples or singles, anyone can start a new life in this friendly, southern part of Europe.

Over the years that I’ve been working with internationals living abroad, I’ve discovered recurring patterns and specific themes that my clients face.

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one” - Jane Howard

They joined our Online Coffee & Conversation and webinars to share experiences and ask their questions, and used the Covid time to learn the language. When all of that was done, they were ready to come over.